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I have watched the world through tear brimmed eyes for many days now. The
car and the radio are my enemy. It seems my tires are somehow connected to the
water works...the more I drive...the more I cannot fight them. If I have
spoken to you recently, you might have wondered what that tone was...if I have
spoken to you in person, then you already know. Life as I have known it for
the last 11 and a half years...is over. There are worse things
than losing a dog, no doubt. And I am painfully aware of the acute sadness so
many people find a way to endure. Sadness that is much much worse than
losing a dog. But right now, for me...this is a dark place. If I have
spoken to you, and not said anything about it. please understand...I could not
say the words.
My hero, my super star......he is gone. Taken from me quickly,
but thankfully with just enough time to say goodbye. When I started my Aussie
path ..I made many plans. But I never planned for the loss. As I gasp for
breath, choking on my sadness, I have to wonder how I will endure this
again...and again. Saturday afternoon, October 4, 2014. I said good bye to my
friend.
Feb 10, 2003 ~ Oct 4, 2014 Its been 25 days. I have had snippets of thoughts I would like
to include here...but the fog that I exist in right now does not allow
complete thoughts. THANK YOU for the world of well wishing. One thing
the dog community can come together on for sure. We all have to say goodbye.
10/6/14
I don't want to hear that God needed a dog, or that he had a good life, or
that he will be waiting for me. Death is a bookend. The other shoe. It
comes. And it comes without reason, without explanation, without care.
Maybe it makes us stronger, maybe it helps us appreciate, maybe it relieves
our loved one's suffering. If so, I am not ready yet to accept those offerings.
God, its only been a few days. It feels like several months.
Oct 6 I used a FB closed group that was already set up to make this known.
so I have been having some lovely conversations on FB. The beauty of FB is
that you can be however you want to be...you can write, and hide what's in
your heart. no one will know. But you are all so dear to me. My extended
family. So even though I am not ready, I feel I must tell you a sad truth. I
am not ready for the world to know, because I can barely say the words to
you....I am not ready make it so real by telling the world. A light has gone
out...and taken with it a piece of my heart.
It is so impossible to say.... but he is gone. I have been crying for weeks,
with a broken broken heart. I spend a lot of time gasping for air as I try to
imagine my home and heart without him. I wonder if its healthy, to love a dog
so much. Baron is gone. There was nothing to be done, but to end it. I had a
week (or 2?) to say goodbye. Its impossible. I am so very sad. I can't talk on
the phone yet. please don't call me . sorry . I am just doing the best I can.
I love you, that is the only reason I can tell you at all. I want it to be a
secret forever . Then maybe I can pretend it isn't true. he went in my arms,
on a good day.
10/29/14
